Hello blog land!
I've been wanting to get this blog out for the longest--I finally have the time!
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My engagement happened last Thursday. It was subtle, sweet, and to the point. I knew it was coming but I didn't know when. He took me by surprise.
How appropriate that June's topic is relationships and this happened! :-)
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The most important relationships I have are with God, my fiancé, my family, my friends, co-workers, and patients. It is important to also establish a good relationship with yourself.
Lately, I have been struggling with maintaining the relationships between myself, them, and Him--thus the title of this blog. I cannot pinpoint an exact time when it happened but I know for sure that my mood and attitude about things were affecting my relationships. It started when I lost myself in doing things--disappearing and hiding behind anything to avoid it. My fiancé kept on asking why couldn't I be happy and I could not give an answer. It was devastating to know that the one person you love so much is trying their best to help but you can't make out the words to even acknowledge them nor do you have the attitude to care.
Yesterday, I got an email devotional that shook me to the core and broke me down to tears. In summary, the email pointed to the fall from grace with Adam and Eve. God asked Adam "where are you?" Adam, knowing that he sinned, hid away from The Lord ashamed. Adam also covered himself and Eve in leaves to hide away their nakedness. The writer of the devotional, in conjunction with the bibilical story, also told a story of a beautiful blonde she sat next to when she spoke at a conference. The writer felt she could not compete and was envious of the woman due to her beauty status. When it was the writers turn to speak, the writer spoke truthfully about her experience of brokenness and redemption, all due to God's grace. When the writer finished speaking, she was shocked to know that the beautiful blonde she was sitting next to was covering up a botched suicide attempt. Due to the writer's speech and truth, she was able to shine and help others heal. The writer nor the beautiful blonde had to hide anymore because they both acknowledged that God's grace covers them and the price had already been paid. Adam knew he fell away but still God covered them with animal skin.
I realized yesterday that God covers me and He wants me--the true, authentic me--not someone who hides in false pretenses to make it seem like everything is okay. When God asked Adam "where are you?", God wanted Adam to evaluated what he was doing and if he was truly in that moment--not an explanation of why as Adam gave him.
I say all of this to point out the reason why I was hiding behind whatever mask I could find was due to the failings I saw in myself. At the beginning of my relationship with my fiancé, everything was going well because I was in tuned with myself and God. I had a fairly good idea of what I hoped my life was going to turn out. What happened later on, I stopped being to tuned into myself and what God was trying to convey to me. To be honest, I just went through the motions at everything I did. I found that what was once satisfying was becoming a chore and I found it harder to encourage myself to do. Thankfully, due to that email, I can't allow myself to continue to hide behind masks and expect to be ok. I have to live my life authentically--not just for my sake, but for the sake of others who I'm so blessed to encounter day in and day out.
How great is it to know that I work a profession where I have the opportunity to help people heal. However, I have to be healed and take care of myself in order to be the best nurse I can be to my patients. The same can be applied so I can be the best fiancé, daughter, etc. I can be.
In closing, if you find yourself hiding behind masks to keep up with life-stop. First, acknowledge that you have a problem. Secondly, evaluate the relationships in your life. The most important one is to see how are you treating the higher power in your life. If it poorly, that is an indicator that something needs to change. Chances are--you are the one who fell away. Third, be prepared to answer the where are you question. Think of what is hindering you from the quality relationships you had. Lastly, change and repent. For me, I had to apologize then I changed my actions and behaviors. I can't live a fake life and expect full blessing and favor.
Make sure you are taking care and loving YOU! You cannot expect anyone to love you authentically if you can't do it for yourself.
Thank you for taking the time to read this! Feel free to share on social media.
3 things-
1. My engagement--let the planning begin!
2. The happy news going around on my mom's side of the family-simply, everything new.
3. Happy news from my close friend--congrats to you! Can't wait to help you out!!
Love to you all!
<3 Barbara
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